I dreamed about Julie last night. She came back to see me. She looked so beautiful and I got to hug her. It felt so real that I cried in my dream. I was so very happy to see her.
When I woke up I wondered why I had dreamed that she would come back. If I could have her come back, I don’t think I would. I wouldn’t want her to leave the presence of the Lord for anything. Who would want to leave the loveliness of heaven to come here?
The dream made me sad too. I guess because it made the memories so fresh again. I know it’s only been a few months but when your child dies, every day is like a lifetime. The time when they were with you feels like a hundred years ago.
You can’t dwell on the happy years too much because they break your heart. But you can’t forget them either. I never want to forget one moment with Julie. Each one was sparkling jewel, unique and irreplaceable.
So I thanked my Heavenly Father for the dream. I think it was a sweet kindness from him so that I hold my child in my arms. It was beyond wonderful to get to hug her one more time, even if it was just a dream.
He does that kind of thing all the time. Things that He doesn’t have to do, but He does them because He knows I need them, and because He is infinitely compassionate. They let me know, again, that He is right here with me. They soothe my heart.
When I remember how many times He has comforted me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. It helps me remember that He is building something through all this. I can’t see what it is, but I know it’s there. I can feel it just like I can feel His presence.
It helps me choose Him again, each moment. “Yes, I will stay with you, Lord. Not because you do kind things for me, but because you stay with me, because you are faithful. Because you loved me before I loved you.”
Whether I see the finished product of what He is building, now or ever, is secondary. The important thing is to stay with Him, as near to Him as I can get. Whatever comes of this is His work, not mine. My place is with my Lord who loves me, now and always.