I’m taking Emma this morning for her two week recheck after her surgery. She’s doing really well. I’m so thankful. I miss her being near me all the time when I’m home. For the last couple of months she’s been confined to the living room and so she can’t sit with me on the couch or lie in the floor when I’m in the kitchen or sleep beside me on the bed.
Most of the time I reach for her and she’s not there. But I she will be soon. That’s a nice thing to look forward to.
But it reminds me of how I reach for Julie and she’s not there. I go upstairs expecting to tell her goodnight and her room is empty. There won’t be another time in this life that she will be with me again.
It’s so hard knowing that. She won’t be back. It reminds me that when David’s baby died he said, “I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
Of course wishing that my child could come back is futile and probably selfish. Why would I wish her away from the perfect place she is now? I wouldn’t even if she could come back. I am happy for her that she’s full of heavenly joy.
But I miss her so much. Some days the hole she left is all I see. It’s like trying to watch a movie when the film is burned. You see the black holes and you can’t focus on the pictures. The holes distract you from everything else.
Yet, some days the Lord trains my eye to see other things. He gives me a focus that notices what He is doing in all this. I get to see Him move. I see the tread of His kindness being woven through the lives of those around me. That makes me so happy.
Even though I won’t get to see a clear picture of all of that until I’m with Him in heaven, He gives me glimpses now – enough to remind me that He is not only still with me, but so involved in my whole life. He is the story of my life.
The little bit of attention I give Him each day in between all the distractions and pain, is nothing compared to the focused care He gives me. He never stops loving me. He never stops teaching and comforting me. And He never steps away from me.
I’ve tried to remember each moment that the one I need to be reaching for is the Lord. I don’t have to reach far. He is still right beside me and there He will stay because He promised never to leave me.
And so I’ll focus on the picture in front of me and not the burn-holes. I’ll watch the movie; reaching over and holding the Lord’s hand while I do.